Fear

Whether SUN or shine, rain or snow, the path in which I paved, I’ve made way of what I wanted to say today…you see the vision is forthcoming, I can foresee what I am becoming…I can foreshadow the outcome, of what I have already outdone. The mission is complete, the impatient keeps track of time, TRUE leaders never from the front, they guide from behind. I am dreaming amongst the clouds of precipitation, I am dancing amongst the rhythm less band; I am with a spirit that has no soul. Why burn bridges when you’re afraid of fire, why become scared of your own fears when you’re brave when in doubt. The spout of water fills the sink of nothingness as my brain floods with comparisons. Bystanders from forthcomings, I am afraid of what I am becoming, afraid of what I am hiding from my own ambition. Following the intuition of the deaf, I am human again, yet so foreign and away from where I once became. I am afraid of who I am, I am afraid of what I have become…how can I withstand my fear...when I am the only one who can stand me? My potential is the only thing that scares me…yet it is the only thing I have left to be afraid of…

My Life inside the IDIOT BOX

The satellite dish in my head signals to the life I once pondered over, I TiVo’d my favorite moments and remembered from whence I came. I thought of my life to be more like THE COSBY SHOW, trying to find the real me in a scripted reality, although the resemblance is similar I couldn’t be Theo; in the humor of life you can never SITCOM. The paranoia continued, the more I live, the more I pretend! I come to find that I was merely a giant hanging around TWO AND A HALF MEN. Living life with such a MODERN FAMILY, the similarities of yours and mine aint ALL IN THE FAMILY. I live my life behind the mantra of DIFFERENT STROKES for different folks. But while wrapped in the sheets of the streets I called home, I realized NEW YORK UNDERCOVERs. In the midst of lovers and FRIENDS and pretenders, where money is forever hard to come by, with supply in demand and a dream at hand not one dollar to spare they still have the audacity to ask “WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE”. All the while in the midst of my promiscuity I still can’t explain HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER, too many GIRLFRIENDS to count, too many DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and less content ones. I contemplate the HAPPY DAYS TODAY as if yesterday never happened. I remember THE WONDER YEARS and when THIS BOY MET THE WORLD. I surface in a moon shine and saw the GOOD TIMES we had, whether we were a dollar short, “we took the good and took the bad”; I realized it was just the FACTS OF LIFE. I never saw myself for much of a FAMILY GUY, my thoughts were somewhere in the depths of MARTIN, Gandhi, but MALCOLM was always somewhere IN THE MIDDLE. To my knowledge I thought I would never go to college, I realized it was indeed a DIFFERENT WORLD, meeting woman of all styles and profiles names from MONIQUE TO MOESHA, DARIA TO KEISHA…college seemed to be my personal LOVE BOAT. I searched for truth and meaning BEHIND THE MUSIC, even dumbed myself down to the depths of JERSEY SHORE. In the REAL WORLD they say life is what you make it and the dreamers…well they don’t make it! I would love to stand the test of time and play HOUSE with a spouse, or maybe that’s not the life meant for me, maybe it’s more in the lines of THREES COMPANY.  In the book of life we should steadily REED BETWEEN THE LINES, and quit playing IT as if were THE GAME of sorry. You see in synopsis, there is no hypothesis for tomorrow or what life we are meant to lead, our world is based on ONCE UPON A TIME’s, wishful thoughts and meanings deeply rooted in a flat screen…but if this life was in fact  like a TV show then It would be CSI… Cant Stop Ignorance…

“STAY THIRSTY MY FRIENDS”

BreakTHROUGH

I had a mental breakdown once, my, my; my knees hit the kitchen floor, my head deeply embedded in the core of my stomach. A day of reflection never seen such pain, it was more of a grand awakening for sane, the shaping of a new future I have yet to envision, I remember raising up from that kitchen floor a new ME had been resurrected… kind of like the rise of the phoenix, reaching the highest zenith of my potential. My drive would inspire the driven; I swallowed massive pills of guilt, pride, doubt and sympathy. I pause and contemplate about the chance of TIME…yes the infamous chance of time we tend to take for granted. I speak in the faith of chance and the belief of a realist and realistically we have all failed and faltered at some point in time, the fact remains we have survived, we live to speak upon such events with vigor and character, the crack in our bones, the scars of such miscues, paints a portrait of a survivor. I lived through the coldest of winters, I sweated amidst the hottest of summers, and I have succumbed to this day…a day of reckoning…A DAY where my INSIGHT guides the misguided soul INSIDE YOU!

Misogyny Memoirs

The Misogyny Memoirs

I thought through what I wanted to say to you, I never cared two shyts, three hair bobbi pins about yo’feelings is!  I thought it through carefully you see…I hate YOU just as much as you HATE me.  On this couch that I lay on, there will be no breakthrough, I scrapped through trash and found yo’ ass instead, I never thought twice about your knowledge! why should I care for you?…when you don’t even care for yourself, I told you don’t LOVE ME…you never cared for the warning signs I left behind, you wanted to be blind from the facts and visible to the lies, well then should be no surprise to you! My lies became the truth to you…I saw you in my rearview, all the lies I forced fed YOU…yet you still followed me while I blatantly misled you! You see this story of hatred goes back to ADAM and EVE, I reclaim my position, I recycled your feelings for my own, I LEFT you to do RIGHT…but I was still WRONG. MY LOVE for LUST outweighs your trust so why must YOU waste time on something you can’t rely on? Memories of hearts I left as casualties, I never thought I would be this carefree, can’t believe you still regret me but yet still you let me! Why change, should I really…why succumb to a LOVE that may never show its true face, I rather break up happy homes, SLAY YOU the first day, don’t CALL the second, and forget you by the third day. My life was never meant to be explained but yet you are in need of an explanation…I left PHONECALLS unanswered,  promised wedding rings, the finer things, YOU SEE I MADE YOU BELIEVE ALL THIS…you see the best trick the DEVIL ever pulled was having the world believe he didn’t EXIST. I can never change, shyt why should I... I am what you see every day…I just live in disguise.  I have buried many of hearts in my day, but yet there is no void to fill, I remain numb to pain, immortal to hurt. You ate all my LIES, but yet you FAMISH over truth, I laid out the evidence for you, but yet you still needed proof. Fact is I can NEVER LOVE WHAT I HATE, but yet you LOVE what I DESPISE…WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS MONOGAMY WAS MISOGYNY IN DISGUISE.

Polaroid for the Memories

Remembering the times of my adolescence, I sought out closure in mental pictures that never developed fully. I was disillusioned, bound by my own confusion. You see it gets stranger I was in the midst of oceans tears, drowning in the waters of remorse. I took course down memory lane, I saw your face again, complacent in my explanation of where I have been, I preach of where I would like to be…I saw you waiting for me by the shore of my dreams, shrieks of laughter, children scattered about the beaches running in the waters. I envisioned you…I envisioned us…there sitting on beach chairs of carefree breeze. A dark tide rose, ominous clouds corroded the skies and everything that seemed to be alive, died. The suns light began to flicker and the noise of laughter turned to daunting screams…your body remained still, I called out your name! To my question there was no reply…I awake at the same shore I was sure you were there…but the only thing beside me resided was an empty beach chair. I turn to shed a single tear, for a moment that never was fully developed.

Awake to Thee

I woke up in love I did, I stared for hrs while you slept i did. Still you were in your sedated pose; I chose to remain...there i did. I love the way you breathe, I see the very heart in you palpitate, I do dare to hesitate yet another moment of loving you...I did...I Will, I shall for it's my hearts duty to... I embrace your aura, I see the angel in you that shines thru the cloudiest of days, I am far from admiration, and yet I am in heavenly Bliss...for I am remised at the sight of you.

To Be Continued

WHY care more? What for? Should I remain dictated by shame, should I cry over spilled milk that you failed to clean up… a sucker for your lust, confused from the power you have regained and insanely abused.  Knowingly so…I know all these things but I refuse to let you go, YES I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO, can’t let you know though, how you have me ever so weak, deep, deep within the sweaty palm of your hands. I can’t seem to remember the last a person had me so open, but was able to close my heart shut. You think you know the real me… How can we last (I ask rhetorically)…when all you see is my past? How can we pace ourselves …fast forward thru the lies, hold still and move slow motion thru the good times, yet you still at will hold to rewind…be kind…still you remain blinded by me…yet you still remained stained by me…yet you still remain…yet you still remain. “I’m a jerk, yet I still try to make it work… in the travels of love, it’s just the blind leading the blind, while feelings are left behind at the benches, caught in the trenches, I am and forever will be drenched in your rain of blame...

To Be Continued